


Can't Give Everything

by WolfstarGarden



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Friendship, HIV/AIDS, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, M/M, Modern Era, Past Abuse, Past Violence, Sexual Content, Slash, Some Humor, Tension, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 23:09:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9350318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfstarGarden/pseuds/WolfstarGarden
Summary: James decides it's time for Remus to meet a nice man. It probably would have been a good idea to tell Remus before he set up the blind date, though...





	

**Can’t Give Everything**

 

“How’re you doing?”

James’ bespectacled face hovered above Remus’ bed. He blinked blearily, trying to focus on the lines of concern etched across his friend’s forehead.

“I’m fine, Prongs,” Remus muttered, levering himself into a sitting position. James pushed him, gentle but unceremonious, back against the pillows. “It’s just a touch of ‘flu.”

“A touch of ‘flu,” James grumbled, sarcastic and irritated. “Trust you, Remus. You always downplay everything. You don’t need to be guarded with me, mate, I’m here to support you.”

“James,” Remus said, firming his voice. “It’s really, _really_ just a touch of ‘flu. I’ve been to the doctor. I’m fine.” He eased his tone again, mouth twisting in a tired smile. “But thank you. I appreciate your concern.”

James squinted at him, face pinched with suspicion. “You’re okay, then? You’re not progressing?”

“No, Prongs. Still as healthy as a wolf.”

“Hm. Well, good.” James sighed, and slumped onto the side of Remus’ bed. “You feeling up to cooking supper, then?”

Remus laughed, nudging himself up against his headboard. “No. But there’s money in my wallet; order something in if you’re gonna stay.”

“’Course I’m gonna stay,” James said gruffly, “Certainly don’t trust you to take care of yourself, Moony.”

“Why would I, when I’ve got you?” Remus asked pleasantly, then began to cough as his hoarse voice rasped uncomfortably up his throat. He flung a hand over his mouth. “Shit, sorry.”

James was squinting sharply again. “See what I mean?”

Remus nettled. “James, it’s a cough! Because I am getting over the ‘flu! It doesn’t mean I’ve resigned myself to the scrap heap.”

“Alright, okay, I’m sorry,” James said, giving him an easy grin and patting his hand. “I know, I just worry about you, okay? All alone in this house and not answering your phone. I get scared as hell when you pull your radio silences on me.”

Remus had the good grace to flush. “I don’t know why you put up with me,” he mumbled.

“Because you’re my mate. My best mate. And I know you better than you think.”

Remus smiled.

An hour later, he was curled in a woollen blanket on his second-hand couch, James at the other end with his long legs stretched out on the coffee table, eating Thai takeaway and watching repeats of an old sitcom.

“So, why’d you really come over?” Remus asked, sipping his water. James had refused to let him have alcohol and Remus had to admit it was probably the smarter option until he properly shook the illness. Three days in bed had been quite enough though and Remus was glad that he was starting to feel human again, that the muscle aches were passing and all he had to deal with was a cough and a rather enduring fatigue.

“To see you, nonce. Like I said.”

“Uh huh. You don’t get all gooey eyed over me, Prongs,” Remus said archly, the corner of his mouth twitching.

James tore his eyes from the TV screen and grinned at him. “Okay. I met someone. A girl.”

“So I assumed.”

James pushed Remus’ head sideways, playfully. “She’s kind of amazing. I think it might be a real thing.”

Remus gave James a considering look. “Good for you, James. So, tell.”

James’ smile widened. “She’s really pretty...”

“Isn’t pretty kind of a backhanded compliment? Like, slightly better than average but not that great?”

“No, Moony, you wouldn’t understand these things. Pretty means pretty. An earthy, healthy, wholesome kind of attractiveness. No artifice. Genuine good-looks.”

Remus blinked, amused. “Right,” he deadpanned. “Alright, go on.”

“She’s a carrot-top, with the most amazing green eyes...” James smiled in a vague, smitten way.

Remus forced down his reactive laughter. “So, how’d you meet her?”

“Went for my annual health checks. She’s an RN, took my bloods and what not.”

“Isn’t that a conflict of interest if you start seeing her?”

James shrugged. “I don’t think so. It’s easy enough to have a different nurse at my next check-up. Anyway, she has a friend for you.”

The questions Remus had been about to ask died on his lips. “No.” The word fell like a cold stone, all traces of good-humour gone.

James gave him a Look, one that mingled stubbornness, frustration and concern. It reminded Remus of his mother. He set his mouth firm and tugged his blanket tighter, crossing his arms. “ _No_ , James.”

“Remus-“

“Prongs, I don’t wanna go through this again!”

“So what are you going to do? Live like a monk for the rest of your life, be alone and lonely forever?”

“I’m not lonely,” Remus snapped. “And I won’t be alone – I’ll always have you, even if you do get off with some bird.”

James’ lip curled at the slur, but he otherwise ignored it. “Yes,” he agreed. “You’ll always have me, Moony. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have someone else.”

Remus forced a smile, and then turned back to the screen. “I don’t need anyone else.”

The conversation was over.

l-l

“Lils, no.”

“Oh, c’mon ... what if you really like him?”

“What if I _don’t_?”

“Well, you won’t know if you never meet him, will you?”

Lily could be remarkably stubborn when the bit was between her teeth, but Sirius was well used to her. He spared her an affectionate smile and tossed an arm around her shoulders as they walked. “You know I hate being set up, dear. Blind dates so rarely go well.”

“Look, I really like James. He wants his friend to meet someone. You want to meet someone. So be a good boy and meet this guy. I’ll be right there to hold your hand if it goes badly.”

Sirius eyed her from under the fall of his onyx hair. “Have you met him?”

“Well, no. But he’s James’ best friend, Padfoot, and you’re mine. I know these things can’t be forced, but wouldn’t it be nice to try? Just imagine how perfect it would be if you two fell in love and we could all be couple-best friends and name each other godparents for our children, and-“

“Okay, dear! I’ll meet him if it will just stop your mad female imagination!”

Lily smacked at his arm, but she was smiling. “There’s nothing wrong with having a romantic soul,” she said loftily, and they both laughed.

l-l

James was whistling cheerily as he wove his way through the restaurant, following their waiter. Remus followed more sedately, the half smile sliding off his face when they reached their table. He waited until the waiter left, and then arched a brow at James.

“Who else is coming? Thought it was just us two.”

There were four chairs at the table. James hadn’t told him others were invited, and he had naturally assumed that it would be just the two of them. They had a fairly wide circle of friends, though. He couldn’t guess who else James might have invited.

“We-ell,” James said, eyeing Remus sideways. “I’m actually introducing you to Lily tonight.”

“Oh!” Remus was pleasantly surprised. He’d been hearing more and more about the girl who was steadily winning the affections of his best friend. They’d been dating nearly two months, but James had been keeping Lily to himself, biding his time. “Well, that should be nice.”

“Mm,” James hummed happily, but the tone was alarmingly non-committal. Unease spiked in Remus.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

James opened his mouth, his face switching to a placatory expression, but before he could say anything a slender woman with a shock of dark red hair bloomed in front of them.

“Hi!” she beamed, and bent down to kiss James. He leapt from his seat to help her into her chair, but she hesitated, looking at Remus, who self-consciously fumbled himself upright as well. “You must be Remus,” she said warmly, reaching her hand out. He took it, offering her a welcoming smile.

When Remus drew his hand back, Lily gestured to the man standing just behind her. Remus had ignored him, thinking he must have been waiting to pass their table. But Lily grabbed his hand and drew him forwards. “Remus, this is Sirius. He’s my best friend, and since you’re Jimmy’s, we both thought it might be nice for you to meet. Get to know each other.” She beamed kindly, but Remus turned cold, his smile cracking and crumbling off his face.

Good manners came naturally to him though, so he turned and gripped Sirius’ hand in turn. “Hello, Sirius. That’s an unusual name, I think.”

“Lily thinks it’s hilarious. My surname is Black so she nicknamed me Padfoot. A Padfoot is a-“

“- black dog, omen of death. Charming.” Remus quirked a smile as they all sank back into their seats.

“She thinks so,” Sirius said, offering him a wry grin.

Remus saw Lily and James share a triumphant glance, and as they ordered drinks he caught Sirius eyeing him in his peripheral vision. He squirmed in his seat, deliberately avoiding meeting the man’s eye.

He hadn’t missed the aristocratic good-looks, the sleek mop of black hair. Most captivating of all were the piercing, sparkling silver eyes.

Sirius was desperately attractive. And he was obviously here to meet Remus ... not so that they could all be happy friends – no, clearly Lily and James were hoping they would take an especial liking to each other.

His cock twitched at the thought. Sirius was everything he found attractive, physically at least. He had to shut that desire down. There was no place for such things in his life.

By the time the waiter came to take their order, Remus had managed to politely extricate himself from the conversation which was flowing remarkably easily between the other three. He didn’t think James had met Sirius before either, but they hit it off like they’d known each other all their lives.

While Remus was annoyed to have been brought into it, he was truly very glad to see how well James got on with Sirius. He realised, a little grouchily, that he ought to make an effort to get on with Lily.

She was sitting across from him and it was easy enough to strike up a conversation without deflecting from the other men. He was pleased to discover that she was bright and friendly, but he noticed the subtle ways she tried to structure conversation between him and Sirius and drew back politely every time.

It wasn’t that he ignored Sirius when the conversation brought them together – he simply held him at arm’s length, not wanting him to get the idea that Remus was interested in anything more than being friends for their friends’ sake.

Lily and Sirius were poring over the dessert menu when Remus excused himself for the loos. The door swung open as he was washing his hands and he was startled to see James behind him in the mirror, idly rumpling his hair.

“Alright, Prongs?” he asked, bemused.

“What the fuck, Remus? Don’t you know that Sirius is here thinking this was a blind date?”

Remus set his face into aggressive blankness. He marched across to the towels and began scrubbing his hands, hard. “Perhaps you should have let me know as well,” he said, trying to keep his tone mild.

“If I had let you know, you wouldn’t have come,” James said simply.

Remus turned to him, “And you know why. Prongs, I can’t do this. It’s not fair.”

“Remus, just because you have a little problem doesn’t mean you don’t deserve someone!” James was every bit as stubborn as Remus was, and they faced each other, neither giving ground.

Remus’ jaw was grit hard as he ground out, “If he got involved with me, he’d have the stigma of my _really not that little_ a problem haunting him for the rest of his life. And he’d never stay with me, anyway. Who wants to sign their life away on a walking corpse?”

James huffed a breath through his nose and tossed his head. “Remus, you know there are treatments. I think you’re doing the whole world, and yourself, a great disservice being so close-minded about this.”

Anger flared bright and hot inside Remus’ chest. “Stop now, James,” he said, his voice dark and dangerous.

His friend hesitated, then pushed a hand through his black locks again. “Fine,” he sighed eventually. “But don’t think I’m against forcing this on you. I think I see clearer on this than you do, Remus. And I know what you’ve been through – I get it, even though it’s beyond my worst imagination – but you’re my best mate, Moony. I just want you to be happy.”

Remus was still cross, but he smiled. James never did anything without his best interests at heart. Lying, he replied, “Whatever made you think I wasn’t?”

l-l

“You seem very withdrawn, Pads,” Lily said as they drove home.

“Hm? Oh, sorry. Was just thinking.”

“About Remus?”

“Mm. I can’t believe he didn’t know you and your buck were trying to set us up.”

“Neither can I!” Lily cried, flicking her indicator on as they approached the traffic lights. “Bloody James, that’s the most awkward thing I’ve ever sat through.”

“You? I’m sure it was more awkward for me ... though maybe most of all for poor Remus. I’ve never seen a bloke look so uncomfortable. Thought he was gonna scalp James right there in the restaurant.”

“He would have deserved it,” Lily agreed, glancing at him. “What did you think of Remus, anyway?”

“Nice guy,” Sirius said idly, turning to look out the window.

Lily reached over and slapped him lightly. “Oy! Don’t dissemble with me. Honesty now, Padfoot.”

Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes and looking back at her. Lily kept her gaze forwards, dodging through the lazy traffic. “He seemed fine.”

“He seemed fine,” Lily repeated sarcastically. “Stop it, Sir. Did you want to fuck him?”

Sirius barked with surprised laughter, his eyes lighting up. “Yeah, okay, I did. You know I go for that cute, bookish look. Good hair, great smile.”

“That’s better,” Lily smiled.

“Just a shame he wouldn’t relax and open up. D’you think he’s just shy?”

“I really don’t know,” Lily said. “I’m sorry, I should have found out more before I asked you to meet him. James was pretty keen for it, so I just assumed Remus would be ... well, at least interested.”

“Yeah ... bit of a blow to the ego when a pretty guy can’t be bothered.”

“Well, he was friendly enough, wasn’t he?”

“With you, sure. With me ... hell, it was like I had the plague!”

Lily frowned. “I’ll ask Jimmy about it. Try and figure out what the hell tonight was all about ... not really fair to you if we don’t get some sort of explanation.”

Sirius snorted. “This bloke you’re dating, Lils ... odd ball, he is.”

Lily glanced at him again, grinning happily. “Isn’t he wonderful?”

l-l

James had managed to drag him out of the house on a Sunday morning. Remus was contemplating murder-suicide if only it meant he could go back to sleep. But James was an athlete, used to being up at the crack of dawn each morning to go for a run. Remus preferred to stay up late reading or researching, then slept equally late on the weekends.

“Not good for you, building a sleep debt like that,” James said as they walked towards the farmers’ market.

“James, don’t start. Please,” Remus said around a yawn.

“Okay, okay... Did I tell you Lily’s meeting us there?” there was a forced casualness in his voice that made Remus skid to a stop on the sidewalk.

“And Sirius,” he said flatly. “James ... why are you doing this to me?”

“I told you if you wouldn’t see sense I would force you. Now you just uncurl your lip and put your fangs away, Mr Wolf, or I won’t let you buy your chocolate truffles.”

Remus smiled despite himself. “Just try and stop me,” he muttered without heat. “Is this supposed to be another fucking date, then?”

“Ah, no,” James said, scrubbing a hand across the back of his head, guilt curving his lip. “No ... I actually apparently came out looking worse for that ruse than you did.”

“Only natural,” Remus said, slipping his arm through James’ and dropping his head to his friend’s shoulder for a moment. He was very lucky to have James, who wasn’t threatened by his sexuality or concerned about what passersby might think. He was always unconditionally supportive.

Lily and Sirius met them at the market gate. They started walking as a group, but it wasn’t long before Lily and James managed to find an excuse to peel away from the other two. Remus glared at James’ departing back, at the cheeky wave his myopic friend threw him.

He growled obscenities under his breath.

“What was that?” Sirius asked, voice mild, grey eyes gleaming behind his inky hair.

Remus glanced at him and quickly away again. Gods, he was attractive. If things were different, he wouldn’t have even hesitated to flirt with such a man.

“Not half obvious what they’re doing, is it?” Remus said, not bothering to hide his annoyance. “But James is a poor excuse for a matchmaker.”

“Agreed,” Sirius said, giving him a hesitant grin. “And it seems you’re a fairly reluctant guinea-pig?”

Remus arched an eyebrow, trying to determine the reason behind the question – whether it was just an icebreaker, or if Sirius was gauging his interest. He couldn’t be sure and just shrugged. “I’m not really a relationship guy,” he said flippantly.

Sirius watched him steadily as they wandered slowly after their friends. “Are you a friendly guy?”

Remus eyed him sharply. “Define ‘friendly’,” he said, keeping his tone calm. It was one of his greatest strengths, the masks he hid behind. Only James was able to see through the different types of calm he used.

Sirius laughed, a clear bark in the cool morning. “I wasn’t being coy. I meant, are you open to making new friends?”

Remus wasn’t sure that he was. If James was anything to go by, more friends meant more people to mollycoddle him, to stress over him and worry about him. More friends meant creating more pain. And yet, Remus did crave friendship just the same as most other people.

“I guess so,” he murmured at length.

Sirius laughed again. “Shy, aren’t you?”

Remus was surprised. “No. Just reserved.”

“Is there a difference?”

“Of course there’s a difference!”

And conversation began to flow easily between them, Remus delicately explaining the subtle differences of words while Sirius made jokes in a strangely snide and arrogant way that added to his charm, and they soon forgot about James and Lily as they wandered through the market together.

l-l

“So... you and Remus are starting to spend a bit of time together,” Lily teased a few weeks later.

Sirius sighed, twisting his long hair back into a shabby knot. “You know, I think I actually quite like him, dear.”

“Well, that’s good. Maybe Jimmy isn’t such an idiot for trying to set you up after all.”

“No, it’s not good.” Sirius looked at her squarely, scooping a layer of froth from his mocha and licking it from an upside-down spoon. “Because he told me weeks ago that he doesn’t do relationships.”

“Well, at least you know where you stand then. You’ll just have to make sure you don’t go falling in love with him. Pretend he’s a straight boy.”

“Yeah, that would be easier if he weren’t so obviously _not_ straight.”

Lily frowned. “He’s not that camp. What d’you mean? I don’t think I would have picked him as queer if Jimmy hadn’t told me.”

Sirius smiled at her indulgently. “He’s a merciless flirt once he opens up. Not the kind of flirting that goes on between mates. Sexy stuff. But if I ever try to move it on from there, he backs off.”

“So he’s a prick tease,” Lily said.

“Yeah... but I don’t think it’s intentional. It’s almost like he’s ... scared? I dunno. I see him frowning sometimes like he’s having an argument with himself.”

Lily looked thoughtful. “Maybe he’s not that comfortable with being gay.”

Sirius shook his head, impatient. “I don’t know what it is. But it’s a fucking shame.”

“Have you tried asking him about it?”

Sirius shook his head again. “It was me that suggested just being friends in the first place. I knew going in that that was all Remus was interested in. Gods, why does he have to be so effortlessly sexy?”

“You’re cute when you’re smitten, Padfoot.”

“Shut up, dear.”

l-l

James was frowning at him in his insufferable, overprotective way.

“It’s just allergies, James, calm the fuck down. Here,” Remus said, passing James a wad of paper napkins. They were having a guys’ night in, pizza and TV and wine. Sirius was due at any minute. It would be the first time he had visited Remus’ house.

“So you and Sirius are dating, are you?” James asked, taking advantage of their few moments alone to catch up on the gossip.

“No, Prongs. Stop patting yourself on the back. We’re just friends – like you and Lily wanted us to be.”

“Uh huh,” James was peering at him in a way Remus distinctly didn’t like.

“What?”

“Moony, I have known you for fifteen years. Wow ... when did that happen? Anyway, I’ve seen you in love before.”

“I’m not in love with him!” Remus said, astonished and irritated. “ _We. Are. Friends._ ”

“Infatuated, then,” James ammended smugly.

Remus sighed and hid his face in one hand. “That I may concede – but Prongs, don’t. Because no. I can’t do it.”

“Remus, all I ask is that you _consider_ the possibility.”

“Prongs,” Remus grabbed both of James’ hands with his own, holding them firmly. “I really want you to understand this. It’s never going to happen. It can’t. I’m okay with it. Why can’t you be?”

“Because I think you’re wrong,” James said.

Remus took his hands back and shook his head. “We need to stop discussing it.”

“Agree to disagree, hm?”

“I guess.”

The doorbell rang, and Remus was glad that the conversation was finished before Sirius arrived, because he would not have put it past James to keep it going even with an audience.

“Stay there, I’ll get it,” James said, rumpling Remus’ hair as he levered himself off the couch and crossed the room. A moment later he returned, laughing with Sirius.

Remus smiled, standing to offer Sirius a brief hug. He forcibly ignored the warm press of Sirius’ firm muscles, the special scent of his skin – rosemary and expensive soap, faint traces of motor oil. Even more importantly, Remus ignored the way he automatically responded to Sirius – the fluttering in his chest, the pleasurable squirm deep in his belly.

Sirius pressed him warmly, then they stepped apart and settled in chairs around Remus’ lounge room. James was watching him with knowing eyes. Remus frowned in reply. They were so used to each other they could speak without words.

They argued about what to watch when the pizza arrived, James wanting to watch the football match of a team he didn’t even support, until Remus and Sirius managed to talk him around to a comedy instead.

They barely watched it, though, too busy talking and laughing. James obediently refrained from encouraging any romance, though he smirked widely whenever Sirius became flirty. Remus flirted back almost automatically, remembering the days when it had come naturally to him, before he had to worry about getting too close to people.

It was very late when James got up to leave. “Walk me to the door, Moony,” he said, hugging Sirius goodbye.

They stopped on the front step. “Remus ... do you see the way he looks at you?”

“James, _please_.”

“No, Moony, honestly. Despite your best efforts to put him off, he’s as into you as you are him.”

“It doesn’t make any difference.”

James grabbed his shoulders, giving him a parental glare. “It does, though. Because if you give him a signal, whether you mean to or not, I’m pretty sure he’s gonna take it. I’m not saying this now to push you. I’m trying to save you both from hurt.”

Remus met James’ eyes, sadly. “Well, it was nice while it lasted. I promise to stay civil for Lily’s sake.”

James pulled him into a tight hug, Remus actually stumbling from the force of it. “Don’t cut him loose yet. He might surprise you.”

“I’ve had enough surprises for one life.”

James squeezed him, then stepped back with a smile and disappeared down the drive to his car. Remus waved him off then returned inside.

Sirius had refilled their glasses and shifted to the couch, his legs stretched across the seat. Remus raised his brows. “Comfortable, are you?”

“Quite,” Sirius beamed, shifting his feet to let Remus sit back down, before swinging them onto Remus’ lap. He stiffened involuntarily, and Sirius dragged his feet away, bending his knees. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Remus lied, forcing a smile. Nerves racked his bones.

Sirius wriggled a little closer, smiling softly. His eyes flickered between Remus’ eyes and mouth. “Hey, Remus, look...” he said carefully, inching forwards a tad more. “I know you said you don’t do relationships, but unless I’m way off here, then ... there’s something between us.”

“Sirius...”

Sirius reached out and stroked Remus’ hair back, tucking a curl behind his ear and letting his fingertips rest against Remus’ jaw. “Why don’t we have a go at it?”

“Did James put you up to this?”

“James? No ... look, I know things started out roughly, but Remus ... I just like you, okay?”

“Sirius ... I can’t.”

Sirius blinked at him. “Huh. I thought ... damn it, Remus.” His hand dropped away, but he didn’t move back, instead Sirius fixed Remus with a heavy, appraising glare. Remus stared back at him, keeping his expression carefully void. After a moment, Sirius reached a hand out again, but Remus shied away. “Why not?” Sirius sounded frustrated.

Remus sighed. “I don’t have to explain myself to you Sirius. I told you when we met that it would never happen.”

“And then you became a total cock tease,” Sirius snapped, but his irritation was tempered by concern. It was blatantly obvious that Remus’ reluctance was more than just avoiding commitment.

“That was never my intention,” Remus said, flustered.

Sirius sighed, and put his hand down on Remus’ knee, ignoring the flinch it elicited. “Just tell me why. Please?”

Remus stood abruptly, putting as much space as he could between Sirius and himself. He paced restlessly, drawing his arms across his body protectively. He dropped his head, and tried to stop the trembling that threatened to shake him apart. He heard Sirius start to get up behind him. “Fuck, Remus, what’s going on?”

“Just – stay there.” Remus sucked in a deep breath, preparing to say words he’d never meant Sirius to hear. He stayed silent for a long, long moment.

“Remus, please ... what is it?”

“I’m positive,” Remus finally blurted.

He waited – for the anger, the disgust, for Sirius to get up and slam the door as he left. But there was only a short silence before Sirius murmured, “Oh. Is that all?”

“Is that _all_?” Remus snapped. “How much do you want? I’m a _monster_. I’m _foul_.”

“Oh please,” Sirius said, haughtily dismissive. “You don’t really believe that do you?”

Remus gripped his own arms tight, digging his fingertips in until his shoulders shook. He didn’t turn around.

“Fuck,” Sirius said, in a very different voice. “You _do_ , don’t you? Remus ... you’re not the first guy I’ve dated who’s been positive.”

“We’re not dating,” Remus forced through gritted teeth.

“Remus ... Remus, come here,” Sirius was up and before him before Remus could react, wrapping strong arms around him, warm and tight. He tried to wriggle away, but Sirius wouldn’t let go, pulling him in close. “Forget I said that,” he murmured, putting one hand on the back of Remus’ head and stroking his hair slowly. “Listen, though. I have dated guys with HIV. It doesn’t bother me, okay, but it _does_ bother me that you think it’s something to be ashamed of. Here, come and sit down, Remus, talk to me.”

He resisted, but eventually Remus allowed Sirius to lead him back to the couch and settled next to him.

“I have dirty blood,” Remus muttered eventually to Sirius’ gentle prompting. “I’m a threat to every guy I take to bed. People have shunned me, I’ve lost friends.”

“Well, I’m not one of those sorts of bastards,” Sirius said angrily. “You’re stuck with me. And you’re not bloody dirty, Remus, who told you this shit?”

“Society,” Remus mumbled into Sirius’ shirt. The older man had kept him pressed close against him throughout their talk, Remus explaining why his HIV diagnosis had led him to choose celibacy and loneliness. Sirius was nothing but supportive, almost aggressively so.

“Society is stupid,” he snapped. “But I’m not. And if this is the only reason you’ve been putting me off, then I think you ought to realise something: that I like you, and I think of you as a friend. And people who have my friendship have it for life. I’m not going anywhere, Remus. I don’t care about a virus. Just consider that before you turn me down.”

“Sirius...” Remus was tired and emotionally exhausted. “You don’t know what you’re saying. The chance of infection...”

“Shush. I know exactly what I’m saying, but we don’t need to talk about it now. You were brave to tell me.”

Remus scoffed, but he was glad that Sirius had agreed to let it drop.  They sat talking idly for a long time more, and then Remus found spare blankets for Sirius to sleep on the couch after he refused to leave while Remus was so obviously vulnerable. Remus found he simply didn’t have the energy to argue, but it was also rather comforting when he went to bed that night to know Sirius was there as his personal watchdog.

l-l

“So! James tells me you two spent a night together!” Lily cried when the four of them met for supper a week later.

Sirius laughed, but he didn’t miss Remus’ flush, and the sudden thinness of his mouth. “Hardly. We got a little drunk and I slept on the couch and Remus made bacon sandwiches for breakfast.”

“That’s all?” Lily sounded disappointed.

“For Moony, that’s progress,” James piped in, grinning.

“Shove off, Prongs,” Remus said, without any real heat.

“Progress, huh? Wouldn’t it be marvellous if-“

“Hush, dear,” Sirius cut Lily off before she could start talking about her ideal world of couple best-friends again. “Remus has a very lovely couch, but it certainly wasn’t enough to get me there.”

“Speak for yourself,” James said, wriggling his eyebrows.

“Mm,” Lily said, flicking a flirty eyelid at him.

Remus blinked. “You’re not doing that on my couch. What the hell is happening in this conversation?”

“Somebody should be having sex on your couch, Remus, and if it’s not going to be you I’d be happy to do it,” James winked.

“There’s no disinfectant that would get that out,” Remus said mournfully.

Sirius shuddered. “Ugh, hetero-sex.  How on earth do you get it up for that? Oh – sorry, Lils. You’re gorgeous.”

Lily was glaring at him, but James and Remus were laughing. When they finally stopped, Lily switched back to the original topic. “So, nothing happened between you?”

Sirius smiled pleasantly at her, but his voice was flinty when he said, “Leave it, Lils.”

They hadn’t spoken much about the night he’d slept over at Remus’ house when Sirius picked her up for supper. It wasn’t his secret to tell, and he was still trying to work out a way to help Remus be a more comfortable with his diagnosis, to show him that it didn’t have to mean his life was over. Sirius knew the risks and for the right man was willing to take them.

A deep, immovable feeling inside him knew that Remus was certainly worth it, if only he was willing to try.

Sirius was also desperately keen to find out how he’d contracted the virus. It was a macabre sort of desire he knew, but unlike so many people he had met who instantly assumed the worst, he knew that everybody had a story, and many were worth listening to.

Sirius was unusually reserved during the meal, preferring to watch his friends instead. Lily and James were cloying and endearing, and Remus was a fragile riddle, waiting to be solved.

Sirius was falling in love with him.

l-l

“So, you told him, huh? About your little problem?”

James and Remus were walking home. They hadn’t seen each other since their boys’ night in, and had arrived separately at the restaurant after Lily and Sirius , giving them no chance to speak.

“Yeah.”

“How’d he take it?”

Remus breathed deep. “Very well.” He was thoughtful, and it showed.

James exclaimed, “There was a moment between you, wasn’t there? You guys had a moment!”

“No! James,” Remus glared at him. “No. Maybe we could have, but I shut him down.”

“Why? You said he took it well.”

“Taking the news well and still seeing me as a potential boyfriend are different things.”

“Well, what did he say?”

Remus told him about what had happened after James had left that night, and by the time he was done, James had grabbed him by the shoulders and was staring at him in utter astonishment. “What on earth is wrong with you, Remus? He’s been with other guys in your position and you _still_ turned him down?”

“James...”

“Why are you so afraid of giving a good guy a chance? I keep telling you how stupid you’re being about this.”

“James!”

“What’s the worst that could happen, Moony?”

“Oh, I don’t know ... that I give him AIDS!” Remus drawled with aggressive sarcasm.

James’ hands fell from his shoulders. “Remus, I love you. Yeah, okay, the risk is there. But it’s not insurmountable. Are you sure it’s the virus that has you worried? Or is it because of the way you got it that you’re scared?”

This wasn’t a conversation James had ever brought up with him, not in the two years since he’d been diagnosed. Remus’ hands came up with sudden swift violence, crossing his chest in protection. “James... don’t.” His voice was a vulnerable plea.

“Remus ... Sirius isn’t that guy. You know that, right?”

Remus didn’t trust his voice. He nodded, miserably.

“Have you told him how you got it?”

Remus shook his head. “Of course I haven’t.”

James stepped closer, sliding a supportive arm around Remus’ trembling shoulders, butting their foreheads together. “Just talk to him, properly, Moony. I don’t want you to regret not giving this a chance. Do I have to organise another date that you don’t know about?”

Remus gave a cough of reluctant laughter. “It’s hard, James,” he said eventually.

“I know it is.”

l-l

Sirius had invited Remus and James over to his place. He had other friends, but they were mostly women, a close group that he and Lily shared. Somehow James and Remus had become closer to him in a few short months than any of his other male friends had ever managed.

They arrived together, James looking concerned and Remus pale and tired.

“Hey, come in. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Remus said with a small smile. “Rough day. Teenagers, you know, they tend to act up on Fridays.”

“Yeah, I remember those days,” James said, throwing an arm around Remus’ shoulders. Sirius felt a tiny prick of envy. “Who would’ve thought that Moony the mischief-making-Marauder would switch sides? Such betrayal.”

Remus rolled his eyes and smiled at Sirius. “That’s what James used to call us in school – the Marauders. He thought it was _cool_. But yes, I do miss the mischief. Still, that’s why I’m such a good teacher: there’s not a trick I don’t know.”

They settled around Sirius’ lounge room. It was expensively decorated, courtesy of his parents, but marked with his own particular taste as well. “Nice ‘bike,” James enthused, seeing Sirius’ massive black motorbike perched in the corner.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve been doing some work on her, she’s kind of a project bike.”

“You work on your motorbike in your living room?” Remus asked, humour curving his lips.

“Yeah,” Sirius shrugged. “Why, is that weird?”

“Well, I would have thought so.”

“Who cares?” James said, nudging Remus aside with a grin and crossing the room to look. “Something that goes fast!”

Sirius and Remus watched him, and when it became clear he wasn’t going to be leaving the ‘bike anytime soon, they turned to each other instead. Remus looked nervous, a little on edge.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Something hard shuttered in Remus’ eyes. “Yes.”

Sirius puzzled at the reaction, but decided to ignore it. “Wanna drink?”

“Gods, yes.”

Sometime later and they were all slightly drunk. Sirius had tipped some crisps into a bowl, and chocolate biscuits onto a plate, and they ate and talked and laughed while a music video channel rocked away in the background.

Remus had been tightly strung for much of the night, but a few glasses of wine began to gently loosen him. Sirius watched as the nervous lines creasing his face dropped away, his shoulders relaxed and a smile tipped his mouth more easily. Even the curls in his hair seemed to drop more languidly.

He looked remarkably beautiful with his guard down, and Sirius was glad that James was there too, stopping him from acting in a way that he knew he shouldn’t. Still, all he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss that lopsided mouth, to drink Remus in and feel the hard press of his lean body crushed against his own.

“I should call a cab,” James slurred somewhere hours later in the early part of the morning. “Gessome sleep.”

“Nah,” Sirius said, staggering to his feet. “I gotta guesss room. You stay ‘ere, c’mon.” He led James to the guest room, and showed him where everything was. James collapsed backwards on the bed, drunken and loose, grabbing Sirius and yanking him into a hug. He yelped as he lost his footing and landed heavily, sprawled across James.

“Oops, sorry,” James giggled as they both tried to force air back into their lungs. Then James was patting his back and murmuring with the type of affection only inebriated people seem to show. “You good friend, Siri... Moony needs summone like you. Go and love ‘im, would ya?” With a sudden and remarkably powerful shove James levered Sirius off of him and scuttled under the covers, falling almost immediately asleep, his glasses still perched crookedly across his nose.

Sirius gazed at him for a moment, and then staggered back to the lounge room wondering if James was trying to tell him him that Remus actually _was_ interested in him. He knew the chemistry was there, but Remus was so hard to read he had honestly no idea if it would ever go further.

When he returned to the lounge, he found Remus on his feet, swaying in time to the video playing on the TV screen.

Without pausing too much to think about it, Sirius sidled up to Remus and slid an arm around his waist. Remus smiled at him languidly, not flinching or pulling back as he was wont to do when Sirius got physical with him, instead stepping neatly into the space Sirius’ body offered. “I love dancing,” Remus murmured.

“Yeah, me too. D’you ever go to the clubs?”

Remus shook his head, tipping it sideways rather than turning it. “Not anymore.”

Sirius tugged him a little closer, giddily pleased when Remus came willingly. He sighed blissfully when their bodies touched, firm and sure. Remus slid one hand up, resting it against the curve where neck met shoulder, his fingers cool and strong. Sirius tipped into his touch. “Why not?”

“Don’t like ‘em anymore,” Remus said, his thumb rubbing idly along the curve of Sirius’ jaw.

Even in a state more drunk than sober, Sirius could tell there was more than what Remus was telling him, and also that it would be a bad idea to press the issue, no matter how much he wanted to. Instead, he asked a question that he would never have considered if he weren’t inebriated.

Sirius slid a hand into the curve of Remus’ lower back, pressing him closer. “Do you like me?” he breathed, fixing his eyes on Remus’ as a bass line thrummed happily behind them. He swayed in time with it, pressing his hips forwards just a little.

Remus seemed to sigh, though he made no sound, his own hips arching instinctively into the curve of Sirius’. “Oh, yes. More than I should.”

“Fuck. Well, good.” Sirius reached up and looped one hand around the back of Remus’ head, pulling him in and kissing him before he could think about it or react.

Remus tasted like wine and chocolate, his lips smooth and loose as Sirius ran his tongue hungrily across the lower lip. A guttural moan reached his ears, but he had no idea which one of them it came from, pressing himself more neatly against Remus and sliding his tongue into a welcoming mouth. He lost himself there, barely noticing the way Remus’ hand tightened on his neck. All he knew was the warmth of Remus’ mouth, the softness of his tongue, the surprising steadiness of his body.

Desire stirred in him and he groaned, circling his hips slowly, trying to find that perfect friction, pressing his cock forwards to find Remus’ through the layers of cloth that separated them. “Ah!” Sirius gasped against Remus’ lips when he felt the curve of the other man’s prick knock against his own.

He was reaching to pull Remus closer, closer... and instead, Remus jolted away as though electrocuted, stumbling backwards and losing his footing in his haste, banging into the coffee table and crumpling onto it indelicately. “Gods ... oh no,” he was mumbling.

Surprised and slightly annoyed, Sirius fell to his knees and scuttled closer. “What is it? Things were just getting good here...”

Remus shook his head miserably. “No, they weren’t. Things were getting dangerous. We can’t do this, Sirius. I can’t.”

“You bloody well can, and I bloody well intend to,” Sirius said, trying on Remus’ stubbornness and finding it suited him.

“No ... you wouldn’t be doing this if we were sober. I should leave. I need to leave.” Remus started to stagger upright, but Sirius pushed both hands down on his thighs, forcing him to sit again.

“You need to stay right here until you calm down” Sirius said. “I’ll make some tea and we can sober up and then I’ll show you just how fucking much I want you.”

Remus fixed bleary eyes on him. “I’m not a whole man, Sirius. I can never be what you ... what anybody ... deserves.”

“Stop talking,” Sirius murmured, leaning in. “Let me show you how whole you are.”

He slid his hands up Remus’ thighs, shuffling between his knees and hooking his arm around slim hips. The other hand crept higher, twisting into the front of Remus’ shirt and yanking him down as Sirius arched his body up to seek Remus’ mouth again. Remus resisted, turning his face to the side. Sirius was not discouraged, snuffling instead into Remus’ neck and pressing his mouth, hot and wet, sloppily along his jawbone.

Sirius murmured, “I know all the risks ... I’ve lived them all, Remus. I had a boyfriend for two years who was positive. We had a full and happy relationship. I know we have to be careful. But it doesn’t make you less of a man, or any less deserving. I really like you and I want to give it go. And you may as well give in, because that kiss told me more than words ever could, and I won’t give up on you.”

“Sirius...” Remus pushed him back, gentle at first but with more force when Sirius refused to be moved. He stood, and began pacing with a heavy sigh. “Sirius, make that tea and then ... there’s more. There’s more I probably...”

Sirius stood as well, realising something new was happening. He snatched Remus’ hand and dragged him into the kitchen, sitting him at the breakfast bar as he brewed a pot of tea.

Sirius felt more sober than he knew he could be, and the tension radiating from Remus told him he would be best to give him some space. So he stood on the other side of the island, leaning against the bench and passed Remus some chocolate. He’d long since noticed his fondness for it, and smiled when Remus took a bite.

“Whatever it is, Remus, please ... just tell me.” Sirius said when silence drew between them.

“I don’t tell anybody this,” Remus said, his voice a heavy whisper. “How I got it.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, taken aback. It wasn’t what he had expected.

“James knows. And my ... my parents. They know. But it’s not something I like to ... anyway.”

“Why’re you telling me, then?” Sirius asked softly, wanting to reach out and touch Remus, offer support, but something sensible filtered through the soup of alcohol in his brain and told him not to.

“Because I need you to know, so you can understand why we can never happen.”

Sirius’ heart sank. There was a dark finality in Remus’ words that worried him, though hope was not so easily quashed.

“It’s not much of a story,” Remus said. His tone was detached and low. He was staring at nothing, teacup gripped in one hand, a fragment of chocolate melting in the other. “My father had a friend. He visited Christmas, two years ago. My folks still live in Wales; I was staying there and the friend ... uh, his name was  - is – Fenrir Greyback ... he was staying too.”

Remus stopped, sucking in a deep, bracing breath. Sirius felt a terrible tremor deep in his belly, a hideous understanding beginning to dawn on him.

“We’d sorted of flirted a little, but I hadn’t thought beyond that, him being so much older than me. But the final night we were there ... he came to my room.” Remus’ mouth twisted miserably. His voice became so quiet, thick with remembered horror, that Sirius almost couldn’t hear his next words. Once they were spoken he wished he hadn’t.

“He actually brought a knife...” Remus whispered. “He put it to my throat and told me not to make a sound. And then... he a-attacked me. He told me ... he said he’d kill anyone I told. He said if I was lucky I wouldn’t get AIDS, but ... but ... he hoped I would... and then he laughed.”

Remus was dry eyed, but Sirius was afraid he was about to disgrace himself by giving into semi-drunken maudlin tears on behalf of his friend.

Remus undid a few buttons and shucked his shirt back, revealing a long, ugly ridge of scarring across one clavicle. “He slashed me with the knife before he left. Said he wanted me to remember.”

Sirius shook his head and blinked rapidly, forcing back the dampness in his eyes. A tear tumbled treacherously down one cheek. “Why?” he rasped.

Remus’ mouth was thin. “Because he could. Because I let him.”

Something snapped in Sirius’ head. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Wasn’t it?” Remus asked, glancing up and catching his eyes. The look in Remus’ amber gaze was heart breaking – the hopeless, guilty, aching vacuum of despair. “I flirted with him, I didn’t fight back ... and I never told anyone.”

“What about your parents? They’re not still friends with him, are they?”

Remus shook his head. “No. I couldn’t hide the cut from them, the sheets were bloodied and everything. But they don’t know ... everything. And they don’t know that I got HIV from him.”

“Fuck...” it didn’t seem a strong enough word.

“Fuck,” Remus echoed blankly. Then he drew a juddering breath. “So now you understand why I can’t be with you. I’m damaged goods.”

Sirius thought his heart must be breaking. He wanted to make it better and he didn’t know how. He didn’t even know if it was possible. But he had to try.

He walked around the bar, Remus watching him with a blank resignation which turned to honest surprise when Sirius came over and wrapped him in a hug. He pressed Remus’ face firmly against his chest, stroking his curls and sniffing when another tear toppled from his cheek and splatted on Remus’ head, seeping into his hair. He whispered, “You’re not broken, Remus. Just bent.”

Remus gave a sad, gasping laugh. “That’s a terrible joke, Sirius.”

Sirius had to think for a moment, and then realised the unintentional pun he had made. He squeezed Remus tighter. “It’s true, all the same. I’ll get you straightened out.”

“Sirius, do you hear these things you’re saying?”

“Stop being camp for a moment, would you? Remus... oh, Remus. You don’t have to be alone because of this.” He pushed Remus back from him, and took his drawn and worried face between both hands, then leant in and covered Remus’ crooked mouth with his own in a kiss soft and sweet and supportive. Finally, Remus met his touch with an equally desperate need, and didn’t pull away.

l-l

He woke with a thudding headache, sprawled in an unfamiliar bed. His memory was intact, luckily ... or unluckily, as guilt and shame wrapped themselves around his shoulders as snug as his favourite cardigan.

Remus sat up and shoved himself to the edge of the bed. He was fully clothed ... nothing dangerous had happened. But he had done far more than he had ever intended, and with a little wine loosening his tongue, he had told Sirius the terrible thing he had never wanted him to know.

His movement had woken the other man, who wriggled across the bed and looped an arm around his belly. “Lie back down, Rem,” Sirius mumbled sleepily, pressing a kiss into the curve of Remus’ spine.

“Sirius ... how much do you remember about last night?”

“Hm? Oh, everything. We weren’t that drunk. Lie down, would you? I like cuddles in the morning.”

“Are you ... don’t you want me to go?”

“Course not. Lie _down_.”

Remus did, pulling his legs back up and under the covers again, rolling over inside the circle of Sirius’ grip. He stared at him, the spatter of pale freckles across his nose, the smoothness of his shuttered eyelids. “Sirius ... aren’t you bothered by what I told you last night?”

“ _No_. Well, of course I am. But not because of you. So stop stressing, and _cuddle_ me, would you?”

Remus was more confused by the reaction he was getting than anything else, but just as he slipped an arm around Sirius, the bedroom door shuddered open.

“Aha! Fantastic!”

Remus snapped himself up again, staring at James’ shaggy, grinning head in the doorway. “About time you two got off together!” James crowed.

Sirius murmured his disapproval at the second loss of Remus’ body heat.

“We’re not getting off,” Remus said evenly. He ignored the muttered ‘yet’ echoing up from the mattress.

“Well, it’s still progress.” James beamed at him, looking remarkably un-hungover. “Now, Sirius ... time to get up and be a good host and make us a cooked breakfast. Hop to.”

Sirius sighed, and scooted closer to Remus again, sliding his face startlingly close to Remus’ lap. He pressed a kiss to Remus’ trouser-clad leg and said, “Yeah, okay. Put the kettle on and I’ll be right there.”

James’ grin dialled up a little further. “Sure thing, lover-boys,” he said cheerily and stepped out of the room, calling behind him, “Don’t mind if I leave the door open, do you? Don’t want you blokes getting distracted.”

Remus muffled a groan. Sirius prodded him. “Well, Remus, you gonna keep fighting this when you’re so clearly on the side of the minority?”

Remus glanced down at the sleep-soft face gazing back up at him. “Maybe,” he said. Then he smiled and wriggled back down again, pressing a soft kiss to Sirius’ encouraging mouth.

They met James in the kitchen a few minutes later, clad in rumpled, slept-in clothes and feeling generally achy. James was making coffee and rummaging through Sirius’ fridge.”So,” he said chirpily. “I want details.”

“There’s none to give,” Remus said, leaning over James to grab the milk out of the door while Sirius went to a cupboard and drew out an electric skillet. “I told him about Greyback.”

“Oh,” James said, straightening and peering closely at first one then the other man. “And?”

“And nothing,” Sirius said, nudging them out the way and drawing items deftly from his refrigerator. “Apart from wanting to find him and skin him alive, it’s not an issue for me.”

James squinted at him appraisingly. Remus watched them, feeling oddly exposed and uncomfortable. He  curled in on himself, arms circling his thinness. James noticed and slapped him casually. “Oy. Stop that. You’re safe here, Moony.”

“Yeah,” Remus murmured, smiling crookedly. “I know.”

They moved around each other, all helping one another to get breakfast ready, and then fell onto the expensive, comfortable couches in the living room to eat their spectacularly greasy breakfast. Sirius sat close by Remus and James sat to the side, smirking at them non-stop.

Later, after Sirius had kissed him rather sweetly goodbye and raked his fingers through Remus’ hair, promising to call him that night, Remus and James strolled home together.

James slung an arm around Remus’ waist. “I’m pleased you’re taking this chance, Moony,” he said sincerely. “I think he’s perfect for you.”

“You’re such a nag,” Remus said, but he was grinning. “He has taken it all remarkably well. But ... saying the right words doesn’t just get rid of all the trouble. The risk is still so high. Not to mention the way people might treat him knowing he’s dating someone with dirty blood...”

James squeezed him. “I don’t know whether to tell you off for talking about yourself like that, or cheer that you said you’re dating.”

“That was a Freudian slip,” Remus said promptly, and James laughed.

“This is a good thing, Moony,” he said. “I can’t wait to tell Lily. Don’t worry – I won’t tell her anything you don’t want me to. It’s your secret.”

“Don’t you think she’ll want me away from Sirius when she finds out? That I could potentially kill her best friend?”

“Oh, please, Remus. D’you really think I’d be dating someone like that?”

l-l

Lily’s shriek was loud and spontaneous enough that Sirius actually covered his ears. “Lily, we are in public, remember.”

“I know, but I just ... oh, I’m so happy! I could tell there were feelings between you. And you can get married and adopt a daughter and she can marry my son ... oh, such a happy life.”

“You and your fairy tales, dear. Let’s not jump the gun, hm?”

“I’m sorry ... it’s just, well, I can see how you feel about him, and have done for a while, and I really was worried that he was never going to come around. But there’s something about you two that just works, you know? An idiot can see it.”

“It’s not without troubles, even now,” Sirius warned her.

“Like what?”

“Ah, nothing for you to worry your little self about, dear. But every relationship has its drama, doesn’t it?”

“I suppose so,” Lily said, smiling. “James is certainly a handful. But I love him all the same.”

Sirius leaned in close, grinning. “Thought so,” he said.

“Oh, shut up.”

l-l

And there were troubles. The first time they went to bed together was particularly difficult. Remus was wracked with guilt and nerves, but Sirius kept him calm and they took their time, slow and sweet until Remus relaxed enough to let intimacy occur, putting all of his fragile trust into Sirius.

He resisted Sirius’ request to top him for months. Eventually, through Sirius’ steadfast support  and with agonising slowness he came around, the need to be together overriding his fear.

Afterwards, Sirius held him close, their chests pressed warmly together, hearts beating in tandem and Sirius pressed his mouth to Remus’ jaw and murmured, “I love you.”

There was trouble when Remus took ill or had his counts done. It always made him feel dirty and exposed, fear and vulnerability rising in him afresh. He would withdraw into himself, pushing Sirius away. And there was trouble with Sirius’ family that resulted in Remus seeing him at his most delicate and brittle.

There was a particularly bad moment when a condom broke.

“Oh, fuck,” Remus whispered, panicked, staring down at himself.

“Shh, love, it’s okay,” Sirius murmured, moving closer. His face was an even paler shade of white than usual, but his eyes were steady.

“It’s not okay,” Remus said flatly. “Oh fuck. This was a mistake. You’ve ... I’ve ... fuck, no. I have to leave.”

“No you fucking don’t,” Sirius snapped, pulling him back into bed. “I’m not some wham bam, thank you ma’am that you can shag and drop. And you better not think you’re leaving me alone with this. Lie down you sod.”

Sirius was right. Remus couldn’t leave him to deal with such a scare on his own, so they went on as though nothing had happened. Remus refused all intimacy until Sirius was able to be tested. When his results came back one hundred percent clear, Sirius bounded over to Remus’ house, joyful.

“It’s good news, isn’t it? Now you can stop stressing.”

“Sirius ... now we should stop seeing each other,” Remus said. He kept his voice carefully void. “You were lucky this time. Next time, you might not be so lucky. There’re no guarantees with me, and I’ve been thinking ... and even if we beat every odd and you stay negative ... one day ... I don’t want you to have to watch me die.”

“Remus, will you stop doing this?” Sirius bit, exasperated and heart-weary.

“Doing _what_? Trying to save you from the monster that lurks in me?”

“No! Stop pushing me away every time something goes wrong or gets tough. I fucking love you, alright, and we’re together and that means we _both_ deal with the highs _and_ the lows. I’m not letting you do this!”

“You don’t have a choice,” Remus said bluntly, and then, to avoid the inevitable argument, he stalked out of his own house, leaving Sirius there.

He wandered the streets aimlessly for an hour before eventually heading to James’. His bespectacled friend sat him down and made him a cup of hot chocolate, peering at him sternly. “Remus, how do you feel about Sirius?” he asked.

Remus shrugged. “I want to keep him safe. I want him to be happy. He’ll never be either of those things with me.”

“So says _you_ ,” James said rudely. “And answer the fucking question.”

There was a long silence. Eventually, Remus whispered words he had never said, never wished to say aloud. “I love him, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”

“Is it true?”

“Yes, Prongs.”

“Then don’t you think you owe it to him to show him some respect? Can’t you believe that Sirius can make his own choices? That he might make a decision – with informed consent – that is actually the right thing?”

“It’s too risky,” Remus murmured. “I knew it before and I was stupid and let my heart rule my head. This brought it home to me all too strong. He should leave now before it’s too late.”

“Remus ... you’re no coward. Sometimes the danger is worth it.” James fixed him with a rock hard stare, and then wandered off and let Remus sit in his kitchen alone until he collected his thoughts and at length wandered home.

Any doubts he was still struggling with were dispelled instantly when he walked through his front door and found Sirius still there, waiting and patient. Relief and affection flooded out everything else. Sirius never said a word, just folded himself into Remus’ arms and kissed him so soundly that Remus finally understood he could never win this argument. It was fruitless to fight Sirius Black when his mind was made up.

They wound up tangled in the bed sheets, naked skin hot and cold and clammy pressed against each other, lost in each other, coming together and apart all at once. Sirius kissed him, mumbling “I love you,” against Remus’ lips and holding him snug. Remus fought down the tide of emotions that threatened to pull him apart, realising that the worst had happened.

He knew instinctually that if Sirius wasn’t prepared to leave him over this, then he was never going to leave. Someone actually, truly, accepted him for who and what he was.

The words spilled from his lips again, unbidden. “I love you, too...”

They clung together in the golden aftermath, smiling and touching and breathing together. “Remus Lupin, you are one hell of a flight risk,” Sirius mumbled as he pressed his lips along the tender column of Remus’ throat.

Feeling lighter than he had in weeks, Remus murmured back, “But what’s life without a little risk, hm?”

Sirius laughed, a happy bark. “My thoughts exactly.”

l-l

His suit looked damned good, Sirius knew. It was expensive merino wool, dark grey with a red tie to match Lily’s sash and the dresses her bridesmaids wore.

He’d stepped in as best man when Remus took suddenly ill. James had bustled about like a mother hen, checking in every day and making sure Remus was taking care of himself. It was a task he now shared with Sirius. The two of them were more or less living together, Sirius spending most nights at Remus’. It felt more homely than the posh house he lived in, furnished by a family fortune he wanted little to do with.

Remus had been diligent with his tests and his counts were good, but Sirius worried as much as James whenever he got sick. At least Remus had recovered enough in the last couple of days to attend the wedding. He squeezed Sirius’ hand when asked if he wanted to be the best man after all and said no, he’d rather not give a speech, not even if he’d been feeling in top condition.

Sirius thought Remus looked damn good in a suit too, all sharp slim lines. Red was certainly his colour. Sirius played idly with his tie as they sat together at the bridal table.

“I can’t believe my little Prongs is married,” Remus whispered as Sirius tugged him closer by his half-windsor knot.

“It’s gonna be hell now, with Lily spouting her fairy tales. You know she wants us to adopt so our kids can get married?”

“Yes, she has mentioned it. Ad nauseum.”

They shared a laugh, Remus’ voice still hoarse and strained. He coughed a little. Next to Sirius, James glanced over and frowned, pouring a glass of water and sliding it across. He mimed forcefully, and Remus obediently drank.

“What do you think?” Sirius asked. Nerves swarmed in his belly. He had never expected to feel this nervous. But even after two years together, and most of that less angst and more happy, Sirius was never sure that Remus wouldn’t fall into one of his panicked, melancholy moods. He had never tried to leave after that first bad time, but he would withdraw or become unpredictable. This – what Sirius was about to suggest – might be different.

“About what?” Remus asked, happy and oblivious.

“About us ... having kids?”

Remus blinked and turned to face him full on. “I ... I guess I haven’t thought about it. Being as how we lack the necessary hardware, and with my little problem... What exactly are you asking me, Padfoot?”

Sirius tipped his head in close, almost touching his forehead to Remus’. His hair swung around his face in an ebon curtain, shielding his eyes from everyone but Remus, whose amber gaze locked solid with his silver one. “Will you marry me, Moony?”

There was a beat, the space of a single heartbeat, where they sat still as marble. Then a twitch curved Remus’ mouth and his fingers wrapped around Sirius’. “Of course I will, you idiot,” he grinned.

Sirius smiled too, relief mixing with euphoria in his blood. He yanked Remus in and kissed him hard. Remus kissed him back.

 

 

 _Saying no but meaning yes_  
_This is all I ever meant_  
 _That's the message that I sent_  
 _I can't give everything_  
 _I can't give everything_  
 _Away_

**Author's Note:**

> This started because I wanted to tell a James & Remus friendship, because I was annoyed at myself for barely ever having it in my other fics. And I also wanted to parallel HBP Angst into my Wolfstar headcanon. Got no idea why Peter's not in it, either.
> 
> I don't know how or why, but this is what I ended up with. Honestly, where did it come from?
> 
> I hope you liked it all the same. :)


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